Jun. 5th - Jun. 10th 2018

In a recent state of stress, I found my self scrolling through my phone in an aimless attempt to procrastinate another task I knew I had to do.  It was in this state of unconscious cloudiness that a post came up of an actress I admired surrounded by rolling red hills as she riddled her joys of finding a sweet escape in the dusty dunes of Arizona.  I'm not sure why or exactly how I came to the conclusion it was somewhere I must go next, but within the next few days my flights were booked, Bentley's new airplane carrier was being tracked from the post office and I was counting down the days to our desert escape.  
As takeoff came closer, I continued to find myself in dazes of aimless scrolling and lacklustre inspiration surrounding the many things I knew I had to do while the pressure of knowing procrastination was a daring dance with the devil continued to haunt me with bone-chilling giggles from the ever-looming corners of my tired mind.  Knowing very well that we as humans tend to ebb and flow in and out of our many aspirations and inspirations, I still couldn't shake the feeling this was something of my own doing.  A blanketed sheet of perspective I had coated over the bubbling energy I once had, knitted by the hands of my ego.  Why did it suddenly feel like the pace of my life had sped up, my legs catching speed beneath me while my mind struggled to keep up.  It was as if I was juggling ten items while racing towards a finish line only to fall into bed at night exhausted yet wide awake.  I'd sift through a list of things to be completed the following day as the beat of my heart rose, counting down the hours left unslept. 
I'm not a stranger to this feeling - it's poked it's head in and out of my door many times and often I gear up for battle - ready to go to war with the parts of myself that fought to cling to a fast sense of comfort rather than committing to a bigger picture of what I really wanted from life and knew I was capable of having if I could only catch my breath. 

It's a bitter pill to swallow, coming to terms with the fact that we will always have problems.  There will always be things to-do, people to worry about, projects to work on and responsibilities sitting like delivered parcels to our doorsteps, waiting for us to take ownership.  In a lot of ways, I play a cruel game believing that it's in ridding myself of the many avenues and layers of life that I will suddenly feel the weight lift off my chest again.  It's only ever been from running away from my responsibilities that I've lost the biggest sense of connection to who I am and where I want to be going.  It's not that we need to step back, seclude and sustain ourselves off of bare minimums in order to release the feeling of overwhelm that come with the early adjustments to adulthood. Instead, it is in the dry of the desert that I came to a couple conclusions and committed to a few life decisions that helped switch me back into proactive rather than reactive.   I decided life is about learning to ride the wave in thrill rather than fight the currents while struggling to stay afloat.  It's about accepting that life has a way of feeling hectic and chaotic but in zoning our focus on the things that matter most we can keep upright on our boards and straight in our minds.  Deciding to always take care of ourselves and find what makes us feel most balanced.  Deciding to break from our mind-binding chains and let go of our toxic thoughts like fire-lit lanterns upon the midnight air.  Daring to find things that make us happy right where we are while we work and do our best to get to where we are going.  Doing things that make us forget to check our phones and surrounding ourselves with people who make us laugh from the pits of our bellies.  To taste new foods and try new things and recognize the mind settling magic that comes from deciding to be kind and confident no matter the surrounding circumstances.  
Choosing to count memories instead of must dos, haves and wants.  Refusing to waste any of our precious time comparing our paths to one another and instead trusting ourselves and the timing of our lives while finding freedom in the joy that comes from cheering others on.   By choosing to do our best with everything that presents itself to us in all given moments and let go of the attachments to any other outcomes.
It's in making these decisions that we begin to understand that life isn't supposed to make sense to any of us, and even the ones who seem to have it the most figured out are just as clueless as we are. It's about learning to stop fighting the waves and instead stand up straight and soak up the sun.  
It's a wild ride, but I think that's the point. 
Thanks for reading the thoughts of my overheated mind. 

As always, with love

xo - k 

 Photos above taken by: @a_visionz