In the weeks that winded down 2018, I noticed my anxiety had begun to peak again.  Not in the way that I felt like I was isolating myself away from the world in fear, but in the way that my chest would constrict,  my heart beat suddenly bombarding itself with skipped beats and flickering flutters leaving a knot in my throat and my hands turning icy in the most normal of situations.
I had been here before, this was nothing new to me.  Three second breaths in, three second breaths out and soon it would pass.  Only, it was happening more frequently again, this triggering feeling of panic.
Where was it coming from? Hadn't my life in 2018 been great? Wasn't I doing all the right things? What could possibly be going wrong enough that I'm not noticing it, but my body is?

There tends to be a lot I want to do while I'm on this earth.  We've only got proof of one shot at it so why not fill our cups with as much of the good stuff as we can? With this yearning to experience also comes a tingling feeling of "is this the right thing?" because we're so easily fooled into believing we need to dive to the quickest island of safety rather than ride the waves of being free at sea.  What if's trickle in our minds as we start to question the way everyone else is riding their waves or building their islands, leaving us feeling like the way we're treading along in our own lives may not be good enough.

Every word, action and choice we make creates the next stroke through the water or towards land, leaving a rippling trail of our existence through time.  Knowing this can be a blessing and a curse, because once you feel it, you can't help but freeze exactly where you are.  Like a deer in headlights, we panic over whatever move we make next in fear it may not be the right one.
Or worse, the moves you've already been making led you somewhere you feel you shouldn't be, living a life you don't recognize as the one you maybe once dreamt.  How can we trust ourselves when we've been the ones swimming all along? How can we be sure we're meant to be exactly where we are if we're not entirely sure how we even got here?

When I made it to Punta Cana (note the beach bum vibes above and below) I walked off my plane and in a matter of a few steps was inside a heavily air conditioned car.  When the bright and bubbly driver insisted vacation meant I had a beer, I took it politely with a wide smile to match his own before privately tucking it into the cup holder on the door, not wanting to be rude.  As we drove through the streets laced with palm trees, my eye caught on the drops of condensation tracing it's chill down the neck of the bottle and instantly felt a chill go down my spine.
Only, I hadn't touched the bottle.  Hadn't yet cracked it open or taken a sip.  I was just mind dancing to the lyrics of a song seconds ago and with the tiniest shift in focus, one thought or moment of awareness created a physical reaction with absolutely no change in my actual reality.

We do this on a day to day basis without even realizing it.  What we choose to focus on feeds the way we physically show up in the world.  Focusing on a cold bottle of beer instantly made me feel colder without any outward change.  Could this mean when I focus on believing things are wrong, more things might start feeling wrong?  And if I were to focus on how things are exactly as they should be, would it leave me more space to appreciate things exactly as they are?  If I took the crazy notion to believing that I was arriving in every moment exactly as and how I should would it release me from the panic that kept me on guard to all the ways I could be going wrong?
If I can change my thoughts, could I change the quality at which I enjoy my life without actually needing to change or chase anything else at all?

Whoever you are reading this, in case you need to hear it, stop freaking out.  You're doing great.  In fact, you've been doing all you possibly could up until this point and worrying is going to keep you from biting into the fruit of the life you're growing.  Spot your worries, follow their fears and confront them with why's until you find the root of what's really holding you back.  Then face it.
If you were anywhere else, you wouldn't be learning and understanding all that you are right here in this moment.  Is there any way everything could be going exactly according to plan? Is there a chance that if you had not arrived to this moment here, exactly as you are, that the next might not hold the pocket of magic you've been looking for?
Or perhaps, maybe it isn't even about us at all.  Maybe it's life that's happening through us, and we're only meant to sit back and experience it. Captains of the boats we navigate through ever-changing seas instead of draining ourselves trying to control the weather to keep the storms from happening all together.

Since the day we took our first breath on this earth, we began to unwind our golden threads tying us to moments that then turned into memories as we continued to blindly follow through this woven existence of time and experience.
Times you lost the thread because you stopped believing it meant anything, it was still guiding you.
Times you lost the thread because you didn't believe it existed, it was still guiding you.
Times you lost the thread because you thought it was leading you wrong or had plans of hurting you, it was still guiding you.
Times you lost the thread because you were convinced you knew the way better, and proceeded to drain away your peace of mind trying to sew your own life together, it was still guiding you.

You see, I think that maybe we weren't meant for that kind of power; to be able to understand why we are exactly where we are and what it's all supposed to mean.  Maybe we should just learn to connect to it.  To allow time, space and energy lead the way and just arrive and trust with open eyes.
You are exactly where you need to be at the perfect time you are supposed to be here, with nothing more to do but exactly what is asked of you in this exact moment.  It doesn't matter if you can't see how today's thread will lead to tomorrow's or next month or even next year.  It's always leading you and even when it takes you through times you don't understand, it will eventually tie you to answers that make all the old question marks tie into a larger sense of whole.   A bigger storyline.
So breathe, stop freaking out, stop comparing your thread to any other and stop demanding to see where it leads in a lack of trust.  Keep following your arrow, though every high and low and find the gold that rests in every single day.
This is your thread of life, your story unfolding, being woven and written.
Lay back, whether you're building at land or adventuring at sea, and soak it on up.

too the moon and back
- K

Originally a podcast episode: LISTEN HERE
Photo's by: Arthur Parra